The Secret is Safe With Me

What is a secret? I think a secret is just a hidden truth. So why do we share our secrets? In my opinion the act of sharing secrets helps people in their lives, to free their minds. Frank Warren once said, "We think we're keeping secrets, but the secrets are actually keeping us.” I believe that having someone to tell it to is one of the fundamental needs of humans.

In my life, the sharing of secrets has always taken place within relationships. Most secrets are part of a larger tangle of truths about our own lives and the lives of others. Sometimes we are afraid of our secrets so much that we fill our lives with distractions in an effort to avoid being alone with our thoughts. The more our mouths are able to speak the hidden truth, the closer we can draw to others.

According to the Twelve Step programs, we are as sick as our secrets. But if we can find a safe place to share our secrets we can begin to work toward healing.

I have shared secrets before and had that person run right to another and tell them…even after they were specifically asked not to do so. This is something that is hard for me to swallow maybe because I take pride in the fact that I am the type of person who takes confidential information to the grave. Secrets or confessions should be shared between friends, but a word of caution from my personal experience, if a friend becomes uneasy around your honesty they have not yet begun to be honest with themselves. I think you are a more admirable person and friend if others can trust you, tell you secrets, and be comfortable knowing that it is safe with you.

A trusted friend shared a secret with me just yesterday. I was honored that this person felt he could entrust me with this information that he had kept hidden away and I can assure him that his secret is safe with me. I hope it helped him ease his mind as well. Frederick Buechner is quoted as saying, "I am my secrets. And you are your secrets ... our trusting each other enough to share them with each other has much to do with the secret of what it is to be human."

Mean Moms

Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them, as my Mean Mom told me: I loved you enough . . To ask where you were going, with whom, and what time you would be home. I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a creep. I loved you enough to make you go pay for the bubble gum you had taken and tell the clerk, "I stole this yesterday and want to pay for it." I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.
I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, and tears in my eyes! Children must learn that their parents aren't perfect. I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart. But most of all, I loved you enough to say NO when I knew you would hate me for it. Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'm glad I won them, because in the end you won, too. And someday when your children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them.
Was your Mom mean? I know mine was. We had the meanest mother in the whole world! While other kids ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal, eggs, and toast. When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for! Lunch, we had to eat sandwiches. And
you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was different from what other kids had, too.
Mother insisted on knowing where we were at all times. You'd think we were convicts in a prison. She had to know who our friends were, and what we were doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be gone for an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less. We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the Child Labor Laws by making us work. We had to wash the dishes, make the beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty the trash while she lay awake at night thinking of more things for us to do. She always insisted on us telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. By the time we were teenagers, she could read our minds and had eyes in the back of her head. Then, life was really tough! Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn when they drove up. They had to come up to the door so she could meet them.. While everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had to wait until we were 16.
Because of our mother we missed out on lots of things other kids experienced. None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other's property or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault. Now that we have left home, we are all educated, honest adults. We are doing our best to be mean parents just like Mom was. I think that is what's wrong with the world today. It just doesn't have enough mean moms!

Voila!!!

Viola! My Halloween decorations are now complete. Even got a real cat in the scene! We are ready for the ghosts and goblins!

Gettin' Ready for Halloween

We are all getting ready for Halloween this year...are you ready? All of my decorations are out of the attic and ready to be put up. We all have our costumes ready...looks like Daniel and Ryan found part of mine...It should be fun this year. The fall festival will be held here at our farm on Oct 11th I think...that's always a blast. And Halloween falls on Friday this year so I'm sure we will get into all sorts of mischief and mayhem so you better watch out!

Just a Story I like.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead. He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked. 'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up.' The man gestured, and the gate began to open. 'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked. 'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.' The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book. 'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?' 'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.' 'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog. 'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog. When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked. 'This is Heaven,' he answered. 'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.' 'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.' 'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?' 'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

Author Unknown

Today I am going to speak my mind. Freeing my mind of all this built up frustration is necessary for me to survive, and maintain my sanity.

I am in a state of numbness and indifference. I have grown weary in the struggle and the good fight almost has me beat. I am weary in my mind, my spirit and in my body.

I am just plain tired. Tired of being invisible and unappreciated. Tired of having to explain myself, but still no one hears me but me. I am tired of being misunderstood and labeled.

And sick, sick of being mistreated by the very ones that are supposed to love me, appreciate me, provide for me, and protect me, Sick of being abandoned and left alone. I am fed up, fed up of caring for everyone else. Wiping the tears of others when they cry, but yet no one cares when I cry. Fed up with being disrespected, used and taken advantage of.

So what if I am loud sometimes, or that I am outspoken. Hell...I might even have an attitude, but that comes from years of having to fight, for myself. When I have to fight for others my attitude is welcomed, but when I am standing up for myself all of a sudden I am nothing, not beautiful or human. I am expected to shut my mouth, and not speak my frustration. I am expected to not be vocal and not care when I see that look, or when I am disrespected over and over, or talked to like I am nothing. I am expected to not feel angry or upset if I do I am seen as ugly, and unworthy.

I am hurt, hurt that the perception of me is that I am somehow a problem, when in all actuality I just want to be heard. I just want to be understood. I just want to be loved. I just want to be wanted. I just want to be seen as human. I just want respect. Sometimes the weariness, the sickness, the tiredness, the frustration and the hurt are too much. They well up in my throat so thick they almost choke me to death. And they stay there with a tight grip not letting up. It makes me tense and it’s uncomfortable.

I have felt so intensely for so long that my nerves are numb. Sometimes I don’t feel anything. I just move on from day to day. Besides God, I have learned that I am the only one who loves me. Other than the Lord I trust no one but myself. Every time I have extended that opportunity to others, I have been disappointed EVERY time. I have no words today. I have no feelings today. Today I am numb.

Courtney turns 13

Well it's official...Courtney is now a teenager. She enjoyed a nice birthday dinner and cake at Dad's and is gearing up for her big slumber party this weekend. It is so hard to believe she is 13. It just seems like yesterday that we were having Missy's baby shower. Where does the time go?

Also today Ryan had orientation at his first job. Now I have a teenager who is working. I don't feel like I'm old enough. With the kids it's like they come into this world and then you blink and they are young adults. It's really crazy how fast their childhood goes by. You guys with little ones...enjoy them while you can...before you know it they will be grown and gone.

Fail blog

If you have the time you just have to check out my newest link on the sidebar...Fail blog...it is hilarious! Let me know what you think.

Hay Daze

Well it's now official...fall is here...Monday was the first day of autumn and now the second cut of hay is baled and stored away in the barn for Buck and Star to enjoy this winter. I also have leaves falling in the yard. Special thanks to Daniel for helping the guys put up the hay!

Sweet Potato Girls

Friday night was great! I headed up to A-town to hook up with Charity and Shawn for girls night. I had no problem finding Charity's house and when she met me at the door I realized that she hadn't changed one bit since high school. She has a beautiful family and her home was magnificent and right on the lake. Her hubby is currently serving in Iraq and she's just moved back here because he should get to retire from the military soon. Not long after I arrived Shawn showed up and she hadn't changed either. These two girls are just beautiful people inside and out. We enjoyed sitting out on the deck, enjoying some cold ones and catching up on everyone from AHS. We laughed, drank and reminisced for 6 hours and then unfortunately I had to make the trek home to B-town. Can't wait to do it again. Thanks girls! I had a blast!

Roses for me!!!

Just had to post a picture of my roses! I have the best neighbor in the world...JR...he brought them to me just because I'm special...thanks neighbor...you are the best!

Congratulations Ryan!

Just wanted to send a shout out to Ryan who is the newest employee of Pal's Sudden Service in B-ville! Congratulations! Good luck on your new job!

Autumn Leaves

Yesterday I started decorating for fall...that is one of my favorite things to do. I found the cutest lighted leaf garland and put it on my mantle, and a killer pumpkin spice candle with leaves around it. As soon as it cools down more outside I will get out the mums, hay bales, fodder shocks and pumpkins and start outside.

Reflections of Summer

It was extremely chilly when I got in the Xterra for the 10 minute drive into downtown B-town to work this morning. I started thinking to myself again about how summer is over and this coming Monday is the official First Day of Autumn. It made me decide to reflect on the summer today in my blog to see what I can recall from memory. So let's see...I consider May to be the beginning of summer mainly because Ryan gets out of school then...so I'll start there.

Wow the first part of May was crazy with the opening of the pool and the kitchen renovation. Brian and I put in a lot of long hard hours remodeling that room. We learned who our "Real" friends are during this process too...a handful of people came by to help us almost everyday without even being asked. We had a lot of fun with them. I turned 35 years young in May and at the end of the month we headed to Daytona for our summer vacation. It was a blast. We really enjoyed being back at our favorite beach and enjoying time with family.

May was also when I discovered the joys of myspace, and facebook. I have made contact with so many long lost friends from high school. I love it. As a matter of fact today I am getting together with 2 girlfriends that I haven't seen in probably 17 or 18 years, Charity and Shawna. We are going to have girls night. I also salvaged a relationship with a former close friend and I am thankful for that. Back to the subject at hand...I love seeing how everyone has changed, finding out what they are doing now, reminscing and rekindling old friendships.

Later in June we went camping in Pigeon Forge. We love camping in Dad's RV...It's so nice and the the campground was as well. We enjoyed the river and each other. It was a nice get away. We also spent alot of time on our boat as a family. We all enjoy the peaceful days on the lake riding around and fishing.

July started off with a bang and ended that way too. July 4th was a blast. I enjoyed the holiday with friends (Whitney, Daniel, Christy, GW, Jimmy, Ed, Amber, etc...)around the house, we laughed, cooked out, drank beer, went to the parade and had spectacular fireworks displays every night that weekend. It was a hoot. July is also the month of endless birthdays and more boat rides! At the end of that month the big bang went off when I lost someone I thought was a friend closest to me. I won't elaborate any further on that situation in order to protect the guilty...lets just say that my eyes were forced open by the experience, and I learned from it. Again I won't elaborate on what I learned so as I don't offend anyone. Ok enough reflecting on that ugly subject. The last weekend of the month of July is when Brian won 1st Place in the local Mud Bog! WE had so much fun that night, again with our closest friends.

August completely wore me out...too much fun!!! Every time I turned around we were into something. Whether it was plugging watermelons with Whit, or cooking out at their place, or partying with Pete from WVa and going to the races with him, partying at the August Nascar Races in the Edwards suite, or Pat K's baby boy being born, or learning to can the endless veggies that came from our garden this year, or just chillin' on the porch shootin' the breeze and enjoying a cold one with Bob. (That name has been changed to protect the innocent)...and more and more boat rides and laying by the pool. Oh yes and Ryan starting back to school.

Our Labor Day weekend was fun but also the reminder that summer is now over. The days are getting shorter, leaves are starting to fall, and I have to wear a jacket again as I head off to work in the dark and early mornings. OH well...goodbye to Summer 2008...I'll never forget it...it was fun, exciting and shocking at times but at the same time it was great!

Get the Poop!

I know this is awful but I have found a very interesting website (I'm even going to add it to my links on the sidebar of this page)...it sounds disgusting (www.poopreport.com) but there is some really funny and also some serious stuff on here...Anyway the reason I had to share it is because there's a new product out that many people aren't aware of I'm sure that would make life so much sweeter and I had to share...check it out at this website:

http://www.poopreport.com/Consumer/poo_pourri.html

I'm gonna buy some for my bathroom...sounds like a winner in my book! LOL.

Prop us up.

A wonderful messaged I just wanted to share with everyone:

Lord Prop Us Up

Every time I am asked to pray, I think of the old deacon who always prayed, 'Lord, prop us up on our leanin' side.' After hearing him pray that prayer many times, someone asked him why he prayed that prayer so fervently.

He answered, 'Well sir, you see, it's like this... I got an old barn out back. It's been there a long time; it's withstood a lot of weather; it's gone through a lot of storms, and it's stood for many years.

It's still standing. But one day I noticed it was leaning to one side a bit.

So I went and got some pine poles and propped it up on its leaning side so it wouldn't fall.

Then I got to thinking about that and how much I was like that old barn. I've been around a long time.

I've withstood a lot of life's storms. I've withstood a lot
Of bad weather in life, I've withstood a lot of hard times, and I'm still standing too. But I find myself leaning to one side from time to time, so I like to ask the Lord to prop us up on our leaning side, 'cause I figure a lot of us get to leaning at times.

Sometimes we get to leaning toward anger, leaning toward bitterness, leaning toward hatred, leaning toward cussing, leaning toward a lot of things that we shouldn't . So we need to pray, 'Lord, prop us up on our leaning side, so we will stand straight and tall again, to glorify the Lord.''

Look at the picture above:
If you stare at this barn for a second you will see who will help us stand straight and tall again. Pass this on to others who might need Propping Up, if you wish to!

Good luck Ryan!

I am crossing my fingers and saying prayers for Ryan...today he has his first job interview. Good luck son!

Bonfire fun.

Saturday was a scorcher here in East Tennessee...the temps got up to almost 90 and it sure is hard to believe it is September. It was so hot that Brian actually got in the pool last night.

We spent the morning resting up from Friday night's excitement at the concert and then later that afternoon we went to E-town for the car show. It was nice...the guys looked at the cars while I shopped in the antique stores. When I caught back up to them they let me know that they saw my niece and she wouldn't even speak or look up at them after she first glanced their way. Such a shame that it has come to that. Being in that town really made me miss Noah. I'm sure he will grow up not knowing how much his Aunt Ashley, Uncle Brian and Cousin Ryan love him. We haven't seen him in almost two months now and I'm sure by now he wouldn't remember us at all if we did see him. I am really disappointed in my brother in law who always told me that he'd never keep my nephew away from us. I'm not surprised that we haven't heard from him either though.

I quickly got out of my funk when we got back home though. Whitney and Daniel came by and the guys shot their bows, getting ready for archery season, until they ran out of daylight. Brian loves his new crossbow that I bought for him. Then we had a bonfire some jello shooters and some beer and enjoyed the night. We laughed and laughed it was a really good time. Nothing like real friends! Thanks guys...I love ya.

Lynyrd Skynyrd Concert

All I can say after last night is WOW! We went to the Lynyrd Skynyrd concert over in Boone, NC at the Appalachian State University campus. It was a beautiful ride over the mountains and Ryan had no idea what was going on...we just told him we were going for a ride in the mountains. When we got to ASU and parked in the event parking garage Ryan asked us what event we were going to and we told him a monster truck rally...he just said oh...then when we got into the building and he realized we were at a Lynyrd Skynyrd Concert he was ecstatic!

A group called Mountain Heart opened for them and they are awesome! If you haven't heard their music you should. A little bit of bluegrass mixed with some southern rock and they wore it out! We all loved it.

Then it was time...time for Ryan's ultimate experience...Lynyrd Skynyrd...he yelled, screamed, danced, sang and played the air guitar for 2 hours. They played everything and put on an unforgettable show. Ryan said it was the greatest thing he had ever seen in his life!

When it was over he was so worn out from the excitement that he passed out in the backseat for the hour and a half ride over the mountains back to the house. When we got home he said he'd never forget it as long as he lived.

Friday Night Concert

Yay...it's the weekend! We are surprising Ryan by taking him tonite to see his second favorite band ever...Lynard Skynard. He has no idea and we aren't telling him until we get to Boone, NC where the concert is. He has been good this week, no trouble at school, so we figured this would be a nice reward. Shhhh...it's our little secret.

I hope everyone has a fun and safe weekend!