Today I am going to speak my mind. Freeing my mind of all this built up frustration is necessary for me to survive, and maintain my sanity.
I am in a state of numbness and indifference. I have grown weary in the struggle and the good fight almost has me beat. I am weary in my mind, my spirit and in my body.
I am just plain tired. Tired of being invisible and unappreciated. Tired of having to explain myself, but still no one hears me but me. I am tired of being misunderstood and labeled.
And sick, sick of being mistreated by the very ones that are supposed to love me, appreciate me, provide for me, and protect me, Sick of being abandoned and left alone. I am fed up, fed up of caring for everyone else. Wiping the tears of others when they cry, but yet no one cares when I cry. Fed up with being disrespected, used and taken advantage of.
So what if I am loud sometimes, or that I am outspoken. Hell...I might even have an attitude, but that comes from years of having to fight, for myself. When I have to fight for others my attitude is welcomed, but when I am standing up for myself all of a sudden I am nothing, not beautiful or human. I am expected to shut my mouth, and not speak my frustration. I am expected to not be vocal and not care when I see that look, or when I am disrespected over and over, or talked to like I am nothing. I am expected to not feel angry or upset if I do I am seen as ugly, and unworthy.
I am hurt, hurt that the perception of me is that I am somehow a problem, when in all actuality I just want to be heard. I just want to be understood. I just want to be loved. I just want to be wanted. I just want to be seen as human. I just want respect. Sometimes the weariness, the sickness, the tiredness, the frustration and the hurt are too much. They well up in my throat so thick they almost choke me to death. And they stay there with a tight grip not letting up. It makes me tense and it’s uncomfortable.
I have felt so intensely for so long that my nerves are numb. Sometimes I don’t feel anything. I just move on from day to day. Besides God, I have learned that I am the only one who loves me. Other than the Lord I trust no one but myself. Every time I have extended that opportunity to others, I have been disappointed EVERY time. I have no words today. I have no feelings today. Today I am numb.